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February 09, 2007
driven
I am an angry driver. I get beyond irritated with people who drive like assholes. I flip the bird, swear uncontrollably, and once in a state of blind rage I almost beat the ever loving shit out a very deserving girl. In my defense she cut me off so bad that she forced me into oncoming traffic and I almost had a head on collision with a pick up truck. I would have been able to recover if she had waved or something to apologize but instead when I honked at her, she gave me the finger. That was my undoing. I followed her for over twenty minutes. She knew it and just kept driving. She was too afriad to stop anywhere, smart girl. So finally at a stop light in the middle of rush hour trafficI got out of my car, went up to her window and verbally throttled her and then threatened her life. She was shaking in her boots. Anyone who has seen me truly and violently mad will understand. Grumpy says everything changes and he says when I use "the voice" he knows to stand down. But I digress, threatening that fool made me feel a little better anyway. If she had gotten out of her car I would have beaten her to a pulp because of the intense adrenaline rush I was having from almost dying.
I just read something right up my alley and it sounds like such a good idea. I have never laughed so hard as when I read Augusten Burrough's book Possible Side Affects. He had a friend who, like me, cannot tolerate shitty drivers, especially people who cut you off, and don't use their turn signals. So, his friend made a variety of large signs with slogans that range from "be a considerate driver", "use your turn signal", "don't tailgate" and so on. No swearing, nothing vulgar and all completly innocuous. But then to drive the point home all the slogans were pasted to giant blown up photos of hard core "more graphic, triple-x shots from Dutch and German porn magazines, often sadisitc." This made me almost pee myself from laughter and from envisioning flashing one of those at one of the countless inconsiderate mofo's around here, like the large mormom woman with the CTR (Choose the Right) sticker on her giant ass Suburban, and her license plate that reads 6-kids. She cut me off so hard as we approached a red light that I almost rear-ended her ass. I was made even more angry because she didn't even seem to notice or care, even after I honked at her. Stupid moron (mormon). Did you know mormons wear "special underwear"? Swear to God, I'm not making it up.
Posted by bugg at February 9, 2007 07:28 AM