and then what happened?

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June 02, 2006

druuuuunk

Another one for Mona:

When I was just a youngster, a mere twenty years old, I went out for a night on the town with my best friend, Kool Mo D, and her friend, Deb. We decided to partake of the cheesy bar tour of Kalamazoo.

It started off well enough. We decided to start on the edges of town and work our way back toward campus. We hit some small bars out by the airport, then moved to a bar that three, young, white girls should have never been in, (think the bar from Weird Science – DRINK IT!) except that I had worked a telemarketing job with a wonderful gal named Tammy, who was an ex addict/hooker and happened to be a regular at aforementioned bar. We had a lovely time there.

This is where things start to become hazy for me. Some of the events I remember like I am watching a movie and some I only remember because Kool Mo D was kind enough to tell me all about it.

For some reason I don’t recall, we happened to have in our possession, a plastic cucumber. Don’t ask, it wasn’t mine. But we proceeded to take it with us into this bar and I believed that everyone would find it hilarious if I dropped it in their drink as I passed by their table. Surprisingly, not everyone I did that too was amused so Deb and KMD quickly got me positioned at the bar where they and our cute bartender, Kirby, could keep an eye on me. The details are foggy but I do know that I thought our conversation was funny enough to be recorded for posterity. To this day, I have a stack of bar napkins with all kinds of obscure conversation fragments scrawled in drunken script. I keep in my trunk with all other important mementos. Oh my god, I just remembered!!! The cucumber was a pen!!!!! Wow, I had totally forgotten that until I just realized I used the cucumber to write down all that crazy shit.

Anyway, as I mentioned - the bartender, Kirby, was not too bad looking and I recall many a sexual innuendos being thrown at the poor guy in reference to Kirby vacuums. I’ll let you come up with your own. He took it quite well and continued to serve us the liquor. Many Tom Collins after many beers is NOT a good idea.

At one point Kirby asked my name and I said (and wrote on a napkin) “I’m so drunk, I don’t know who my name is.” With that Kirby decided we should not drink anymore, lest one of the other bar patrons kill us for being so loud, druuuunk, and admittedly obnoxious. That is also when I fell backwards off of my bar stool. While I picked myself up off the floor and gathered my stack o’ napkins, KMD and Deb headed for the door. I made a wrong turn and ended up in a little room with a phone and for the life of me couldn’t find my way back out (one door, no windows and maybe 30 sf – go figure) until KMD came back to find me.

I insisted on sitting in the front seat. So I could puke easily if needed. I am nothing if not polite! I recall having the seat reclined as far back as it would go and I recall staring at a cops face as we sat next to him at a stop light. Deb was freaking out that he might pull us over which he probably should have because I’m pretty sure Deb was throttled as well.

We finally made it back to my apartment. Deb and KMD decided to come up and sober up for a bit before heading home. KMD and I literally crawled through the parking lot giggling like crazy fools. I finally got up and turned to say “Come on D, let’s go”, when I walked square into a brick wall and scuffed myself up pretty good.

For some reason when I finally made it up the three flights of staira, I felt compelled to knock on my neighbor’s door and then I proceeded to fall on my face at his feet. I lost my watch and had to retrieve it from him with my head hung in shame two days later. I apparently just wanted to say hi then I announced that I had to pee. I left his apartment, stumbled into my own, and almost fell over into the tub pulling down my pants.

I then came out into the living room with my pants down around my ankles and announced, “I am very tired and I am going to bed, so get out.”

I woke with the spins at six the next morning, face down on my bed with my pants still around my ankles. I did not move out of my bed the rest of the day unless it was to throw up.

Posted by bugg at June 2, 2006 01:41 PM

Comments

Posted by: mona Buonanotte at June 5, 2006 11:35 AM

Posted by: melanie at June 7, 2006 11:51 AM

Posted by: Katja at June 7, 2006 09:56 PM

Posted by: Katja at June 7, 2006 10:03 PM

Posted by: bugg at June 8, 2006 08:10 AM