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August 18, 2005
did you happen to see the ugliest dress in the world?
Not only did I see it I had to wear it.
The other day here in the office, a co-worker got a delivery, a bridesmaid dress. Actually, when she took it out of the box we were all happy for her. It was a beautiful chocolate brown and the dress was simple and cute. It looked like she could wear it again for sure. And with her skinny, little, blond self, she could wear a potato sack and still look great. I digress.
A little while later co-worker comes back and says she has tried on aforementioned dress and that it looks hideous on her. It has the weird angle hemline that makes her look like she’s walking lopsided and it gives her side boob cleavage and gathers weird around her butt, and the material has that tweaked out, pulling side to side thing going on. Fortunately she has a mom who sews and can fix the damn thing.
To make her feel better, I brought in a picture of Bugg circa 1990, as I appeared in my cousin’s wedding.
Here are the key issues to remember when viewing this ensemble.
1. Most importantly, I had no say in any of this!
2. I have blocked out my brother’s face to save him from any embarrassment.
3. I have blocked out my face to hide the fact that my aunt, who took care of the makeup, forced us to not only wear Mary Kay (gag! but she applied it too – which I hate), but Mary Kay in the colors of peach and teal to match the colors of the dress and the flowers. Teal eye shadow. Peach blush and lipstick. That should be enough humiliation right there. But, no.
4. The dress was constructed of cheaply made and poorly sewn together teal taffeta, with no lining. Mmmmm.
5. The seamstress made my dress swimmingly huge in the butt, chest and arms. I look very large. What you cannot see in the photo is that the only place the dress was too tight was across the stomach. With no lining you could see the shadow and dip of every girl’s belly button. And I was by far the smallest bridesmaid too.
6. What the hell is that on my head and who the hell feathered my hair?
7. The necklace is a lovely cluster of fake pearls on a fake gold chain that I do believe left a ring around my neck the same color as my dress.
8. We carried candles… in summer… in humid Michigan… in a very small church crammed with too many people… with no air conditioning, for a really long Orthodox wedding. I would’ve fallen asleep if the ring of fire in my hands hadn’t been melting my face. If you notice on the candle, flower combo that as an added bonus there are beautiful fake pearls glued around the edge of the glass. There are also lovely streams of teal ribbon and fake pearls dangling from the candle, flower combo.
9. My best friend, Kool Mo D, came to the wedding specifically to torment me about how I looked in this dress. That and to get way drunk and smoke lots of ciggies in the ladies room without getting caught by any of my relatives.
Thank God I'm not famous and no rag mag wants to buy old photos of me looking like such a dish.
Posted by bugg at August 18, 2005 02:51 PM
Comments
Didn't you know that its the *law* that all bride's maids dresses have to be hideous!? Its the LAW!
Posted by: Ms Bees Knees at August 22, 2005 07:52 PM